water for elephants, an exploratory study of an inoffensively lazy film

Water for Elephants, and a palpable scene I at first thought was about all the sexual tension between Robert Pattinson's sweet cheekbones and the lovely pachyderm's trunk. Apparently, not so.

After a Sunday spent lazing about my apartment, my roommate and I decided to stop putting off the inevitable. And for the price of $4.95, we threw away our procrastination to the winds of the high sea, we sat the heck down, and we watched Water for Elephants.

Alright, time to get real: That paragraph was more exciting than the movie in its’ entirety, and the movie had a stampede montage to rival the original in The Lion King. Water for Elephants is boring.

I suppose after watching the film, I would say that Water for Elephants is about how circuses can be disenchanting, or how circuses are dull, or how nobody is really feeling it. All of the actors are napping through their lines, especially Robert Pattinson and His Magical Hair Ride, who giggles his way through many a scene. Also, Reese Witherspoon would never go for a guy like that! He’s an orphan!

The true star of the film is Rosie, the titular elephant who responds only to the sweet sounds of the Polski language. Nobody truly respects her though, unless respect is filling up buckets with whiskey and contributing to the crazy, murdering alcoholic inside her. And pattinson’s character has the guff to tell her she has bad skin! It’s like he’s never talked to a woman before.

So it’s definitely not great. But as far as dull films go, this one is generally inoffensive. There are animals, and those are fun…

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